Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
