I just made out with a guy for $7.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
