Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
