i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
