i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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