Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
