Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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