can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
