you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
