He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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