Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I want her autograph on my taint
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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