Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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