My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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