Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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