I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You smell like stripper and shame
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
