Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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