I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
