theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
