All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
