I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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