you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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