God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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