My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
