Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
