Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
