I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
