I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
