The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Randomize
