you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
