her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
