it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You need Xanax blowdarts
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
