your thong is hanging out like whoa
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
