i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
