Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
