I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
