she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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