Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
