Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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