i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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