So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
