There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
