Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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