Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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