I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
