A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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