I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
