Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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