i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
