Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You are a genius and a whore.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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