my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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