Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
